Sex Positivity & Empowement
How is this linked to Gender Violence Prevention?
Sexual empowerment is essential in preventing gender violence. By promoting a positive and comprehensive understanding of sex, sexual pleasure, and relationships free from coercion and violence, we create safer experiences.
Sexual empowerment teaches the importance of consent, ensuring interactions are based on mutual agreement and respect for boundaries. Focusing on pleasure helps individuals prioritize mutual enjoyment, reducing power dynamics that can lead to coercion. It empowers students to communicate effectively, recognize healthy and unhealthy relationships, and assert boundaries confidently. This holistic approach equips students with the knowledge and skills to navigate relationships respectfully, contributing to safer and more inclusive campus environments!
We all have the right to safe, healthy, and satisfying experiences with our partners – whether they are short term hook ups or on-going relationships. You also have control and agency over your body, whether you are sexually active or not!
Why Should We Talk About Sex?
Talking about sex:
- Provides knowledge which can help manage anxiety surrounding sex and let people take control of their sexual well-being. Though it may be uncomfortable, discussing your relationship and sexual desires with your partner(s) is a valuable tool for building healthy and happy relationships.
- Gives you the opportunity to explore your own wants and needs as well as those of your partner(s)! Sex should be FUN. Discovering what you and your partner(s) like opens you up to have more of the sex you love and enjoy.
- Talking openly about sex, pleasure, and desire can increase empowerment and agency in knowing what you want and being able to ask for it.
GVEO embraces radical sex positivity which affirms that all sexual desires, behaviors, and identities that are consensual and centered around pleasure should be celebrated and embraced by sex education!
What Does A Healthy Sexual Relationship Look Like?
To build a healthy relationship – it can be helpful to know what a good one looks like. If it’s a hookup or a long-term sexual relationship, everyone deserves a healthy sexual relationship.
- It is centered around respect. You listen to each other’s values, desires, and needs!
- You feel safe. You trust that your partner(s) will not do anything to physically or emotionally harm you, even if they’re upset or angry. You do not feel pressured into doing something sexually that you don’t want to do.
- You can be open and honest. You can talk about boundaries, desires, and fantasies and even have disagreements without fear.
- It feels balanced. You both have equal power in the relationship. One person should not be calling all the shots most- or all – the time.
- It brings you joy!
Consent & Communication
Sexual consent is the ongoing, enthusiastic agreement to participate in a sexual act that is granted before it takes place. We are always looking for the presence of a YES. Consent is required before any sexual activity, as well as any new sexual activity! Remember, consenting to one thing does not imply consent for another.
Here are some ways to ask for consent:
“Can I kiss you?”
“Do you want to try __________?”
“Can I send you the hot nude I just snapped of myself?”
While consent can be verbal or non-verbal, verbal consent is best and can be withdrawn at any time. Getting consent in the past does not mean you have consent in the present. You have to get, AND GIVE, consent every time you want to engage in a sexual activity!
Giving consent should be done clearly, freely, and with a positive response. This can sounds like:
“Yes!”
“I would like to do that”
“That feels good”
No one should ever force or pressure you into having any sexual contact that is unwanted, or threaten to leave if you don’t have sex.
Clear, truthful and open communication is a must with partnered sex. It's the best way to assure everyone is fully and freely consenting and physically and emotionally safe; to help sex and sexual relationships be as satisfying, positive and pleasurable as they can be. We can't just know or guess what we or others want or need, like or dislike, are or are not okay with: we need to communicate those things and have them communicated to us.
This can look like:
Telling your partner(s) how and where you like to be touched/how you do not like to be touched
- Asking your partner(s) how and where they like to be touched/not touched
- Being on the same page about safer sex practices (what contraception will be used)
- Asking/knowing/using nouns, verbs, adjectives that are affirming for your partner(s).
Sometimes it can be hard to know what we want, like, or don’t like if we haven’t been given space to think about it. Use this list from Scarleteen to help you think through and evaluate your own sexual wants, needs, and limits. You can decide to share your answers with a partner or use the list to guide conversations together!
Talking about sex gives us the opportunity to understand the desires and boundaries of your potential or current partner(s) and express your own as well. It’s through open and direct communication that we can discover where and how things do and don’t mesh!
However, sexual situations (where asking is so important) can be the space where folks are the most anxious about talking openly! It can feel awkward to voice questions or thoughts out loud, but talking during sex is an essential and normal part of a safe and caring relationship.
The juxtaposition between needing communication but being afraid of what answer we may receive often causes us to avoid voicing our questions, needs, and wants. It can make it difficult to not only ask for consent but also to give/deny consent.
Some things to consider:
Your Self Worth Is Not Defined By Sex: It's important to recognize that your value as a person extends far beyond romantic or sexual relationships or validation. As you navigate relationships and intimacy, remember that your self-worth is not defined by whether someone is into you romantically or sexually. Embrace your uniqueness, honor your boundaries, and prioritize relationships that enrich your life and align with your values.
No Just Means No: We commonly hear “No Means No”, but it is common for folks to attach meanings to the word “No”. For a lot of people, hearing “no” means “I don’t like you”, “you’re ugly”, “you’re a creep”. When someone says no, it means they are not comfortable with something now. It’s not a judgment on you personally. Let the person talking decide their own words and meaning- don't do it for them!
When it comes down to it- no really just means no.
Handling No's: So they said no. Well sh__. Where do you go from here? Here are some tips.
DO:
- Let your partner know, before you are in a sexual situation, that they should never feel bad for saying they don’t want to do something. Saying no in whatever form will always be okay.
- Keep in mind that saying no can be difficult. Respect their right to say no without pressure. Let the person know that you aren’t upset that they said no – and that it really is okay.
- Ask them what they DO want. If you suggested something and they said no, maybe they have something else in mind. They might feel like doing something new, or maybe they want to deescalate and do something non-sexual. Ask them.
- Immediately accept that the other person has made their choice and avoid trying to change their mind through guilt or persistence.
- Show appreciation! Thank them for their honesty and for trusting you with their boundaries.
DO NOT:
- Take it personally. Rejection is a part of life and does not diminish your worth!
- Feel guilty for saying no yourself. Your partner should want you to speak out when you are uncomfortable.
- Try to push, convince, bribe, trick, or threaten anyone into changing their answer.
- Pout or be passive-aggressive. It’s okay to experience any feelings that come up, whether you’re disappointed, worried, or sad, but it is NOT okay to use those feelings to make someone feel guilty. This may coerce them into doing things they do not want to do. It is important that your partner understands it is okay for them to refuse.
- Pester. Do not keep asking for the same thing multiple times when they have given you their answer.
Navigating with maturity and mutual respect is crucial for building relationships. Remember, rejection is a natural part of life and does not diminish your worth of the strength of your connections. By valuing clear communication and honoring each other's boundaries, we can foster healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Pleasure & Boundaries
Coming Soon...
Setting boundaries in relationships, especially sexual ones, is crucial for mutual respect and understanding. It's about treating each other well and expecting the same in return. So what do boundaries look like in sexual relationships?
Boundaries are a two-way street. It involves open communication, sharing desires, and listening to your partner(s). In all sexual encounters, each partner(s) (and their desires) are equally important. If your partner doesn't care what makes you feel good - that's a red flag.
Boundaries can be discussed before or while you are in the heat of the moment. Anyone can say no at any time, for any reason! Every person involved in a sexual relationship has the right to decide if, when, and how they will be sexually involved.
A good place to start would be discussing what feels good to each of you, what you don't like, and what is off limits. Every sexual relationship is different - and there are no set rules! Different things appeal to different people. It's about what feels good and right to you and your partner(s) at the time.
An important note: Boundary setting and talking about sex is NOT a one-time conversation. This should be ongoing, whether it is with a new or long-term partner. Communication before, during, and after intimacy is key.
Ex: A partner may say, “Would you like to try _____?” and you may respond with “No, but how about ___ instead?”.
Safe Word:
Sometimes, people decide to use a safe word that means no or stop during sex. This helps send a clear message and a signal to pause. For example, you may say “pineapple” or “avocado” - it can be any word that you agree upon and can easily remember.
Digital Boundaries
Just like you set other, physical, boundaries – you can discuss digital boundaries with your partners.
Think about what makes you feel comfortable when it comes to digital spaces, then discuss with your partner and make an agreement.
For example, is it okay to post about our sex life or relationship status? How do you feel about sexting or sending intimate photos? What happens to these images if our relationship ends?
Boundaries Around Protection
Setting boundaries regarding protection is crucial too. Discussing and agreeing on safe sex practices, including protection, ensures both physical health and peace of mind.
Here are some examples of how to respond if your partner does not want to use a condom or other form or protection.
- "I don't like sex as much with a condom. It doesn't feel the same." "This is the only way I feel comfortable having sex."
- "I don't have any disease, don't you trust me?" "I trust you, but anyone can have an STI and not even know it! This way we are taking care ourselves."
- "I don't know how to use them" "I can show you - want me to put it on for you?"
- "No one else makes me use a condom" "This is for both of us - I will not have sex without protection".
STI Facts
While the terms STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease) and STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection) are often used interchangeably, STI is preferred because it includes both symptomatic and asymptomatic infections. Using STI also helps reduce stigma around these common infections, as over half of all people will experience an STI at some point in their lives. Fun fact, 1/2 sexual active folks under the age of 25 have an STI.
While anyone who is sexually active has the potential to get an STI, here are some ways to protect yourself:
- Use protection! Using an internal/external condom or a dental dam helps protect you from STI transmission.
- Get the HPV vaccine.
- Consider medications like pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) or post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP), which prevents HIV.
- Get tested!
Yes, STIs like chlamydia, gonorrhea, and herpes can be transmitted through oral sex. Use barriers like condoms or dental dams to reduce risk.
Most STI’s have mild or no symptoms, which is why it’s so important to get tested regularly! The only way to know for sure is to get tested. Untreated infections can lead to serious health issues, so early detection and treatment are essential.
If you are sexually active with one partner, aim for annual testing. If you have multiple partners or other risk factors are involved, consider testing every 3-6 months. Testing is especially important after unprotected sex or with a new partner!
If testing after unprotected sex or with a new partner, it is important to know that testing times vary. Some STIs are detectable within days, while others may take weeks. Testing during the "window period" when infections aren't yet detectable can lead to inaccurate results. For instance, chlamydia and gonorrhea tests have a window period of 10 days, while HIV testing's window period is 3 months.
Remember, communication is key in any relationship. Be honest and direct. There is nothing shameful about having an STI! Let them know and encourage them to also get tested.
Remember as well that you are in control of how much you share. Decide how much information you feel comfortable sharing and set boundaries if needed.
Ex: “Hey, I wanted to let you know that I’ve been diagnosed with ____ and am being treated. It may be a good idea for you to get tested and get treatment!”
If you’re able, it’s best to ask your partner(s) about their status prior to any sexual encounter. When asking, frame the conversation in a positive way and avoid using stigmatizing language like “clean” or “dirty”. Use factual and neutral language. Use this conversation as an opportunity to also open up about your own testing history!
Ex: “Before we continue, can we talk? I really value our relationship and want us both to feel safe and informed about our sexual health. Have you been tested recently? I got tested during DuWell’s testing event last month.”
Remember, some folks may not know they have an STI unless they are tested! Until you are both tested, it’s best to operate under the assumption that they have an STI and engage in safe sex methods like using condoms or dental dams. You can use this conversation as an additional opportunity to discuss safer sex practices that you both feel comfortable with.
DuWell offers free, confidential testing for all students! Click here to learn more.
Protection 101
External condoms are used while having penetrative sex, oral sex, or with toys. These are used to prevent STI transmission and pregnancy.
- Check the expiration date on the package and squeeze the package for punctures. Discard and get a new one if it’s expired or punctured.
- Old condoms can be dry or weakened and can break more easily
- If there is no expiration date, don’t use it
- Carefully open the package using the perforated edges, pushing the condom away from the tear. Be sure to avoid using teeth or anything that could accidentally pierce the condom as you open the package.
- If using a condom with a penis, put the condom on as soon as the penis is erect, prior to any genital contact. Semen can be released from the penis before and after ejaculation.
- If you are uncircumcised, pull back your foreskin before rolling the condom on, as this may be more comfortable.
- Make sure the condom is ready to roll on the right way. The rim should be on the outside, so it looks like a hat, and it will unroll easily.
- If you put the condom on inside out, do NOT flip it around and reuse it. Get a new one!
- Pinch the tip of the condom and place at the head of the penis, leaving a bit of space at the top to collect semen. Use your other hand to unroll the condom all the way down to the base.
- Have sex!
- After ejaculation, while the penis is still erect, hold on to the condom at the base of the penis and carefully withdraw away from your partner.
- Gently pull the condom off the penis, making sure that semen doesn't spill out.
- If using a condom with a toy, be sure to remove and put on a new condom before moving between partners or between orifices.
- Wrap the condom in a tissue and throw it in the trash — don’t flush it down the toilet.
Tip: You can put a few drops of water-based or silicone lubricant inside the tip of the condom before you roll it on. You can also add more lube to the outside of the condom after it's on. Lubrication can make sex feel even better, and it helps stop condoms from breaking
For visual learners, here is a link to a video demonstration.
Internal condoms is a type of contraception that can be used by all genders to prevent pregnancy and STI's. They are soft plastic pouches that you wear inside the vagina or anus, and works just like other condoms! They can be worn. during vaginal or anal sex, or while using a toy.
- Start with an unexpired package, then open it carefully.
- The internal condom comes already lubricated, but feel free to add more lube.
- If using the condom for anal sex, remove the outer ring. If using for vaginal sex, leave the ring in.
- Relax and get into a comfortable position. Squatting, laying down, or standing with one foot on a chair are good options!
- If using for vaginal sex, squeeze the sides of the inner ring at the closed end of the condom and slide it in like a tampon or menstrual cup. Push the ring all the way to the cervix.
- If using for anal sex, push the closed end into the anus with a finger.
- Make sure the condom isn't twisted. The outer ring should hang 1 inch outside the vulva or anus.
- Have sex! Be sure to hold the condom open as a penis or sex toy penetrates to avoid the condom slipping.
- Remove the condom by twisting the outer ring to keep any semen inside the pouch. Gently pull it out of the vagina or anus.
- Throw it out in the trash (never in the toilet!)
Tip: The cool thing about an internal condom is that it can be inserted ahead of time, up to 2 hours before foreplay or sex, so you don['t have to interrupt the action when it's time to be intimate.
Wearing an internal condom prior to engaging in sexual acts does NOT imply consent for any kind of sexual activity. Verbal consent needs to be given and received before any sexual activity.
For visual learners, here is a link to a video demonstration.
Dental dams are thin, square pieces of latex that help prevent STI's during oral sex on a vulva or anus.
- Remove the dental dam from its packaging and place it over your partner’s vulva or anus, covering the entire area.
- Loosely apply the latex to the skin, letting it naturally cling to the body.
- Hold the dental dam in place while orally stimulating your partner.
- Dispose of the dental dam after each use. To avoid infection or spread of bacteria, replace the dental dam when switching between body parts and be sure not to flip it over during oral sex.
No Dam? No Problem! It's easy to create a dental dam from a condom. Here's how:
- Open and unroll a sealed, unexpired external condom.
- Cut off the tip of condom with scissors.
- Cut down the length of the condom to create a rectangular latex sheet.
- Use the latex rectangle as you would a normal dental dam.
Tip: Look for a non-lubricated or flavored condom. Unflavored lube will probably taste pretty unpleasant.
PrEP and PEP treatments are allowing people who are HIV negative to maintain their status, and making it easier for couples in relationships where one partner is HIV positive and the other is HIV negative to protect each other.
Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis (PrEP)
PrEP stands for Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis. PrEP is a daily medication to reduce the risk of HIV infection.
Condoms and PrEP used together offer the best form of protection against HIV. PrEP taken by itself does not prevent transmission of other sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
Post-Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP)
PEP stands for Post-Exposure Prophylaxis. PEP is a regimen of antiretroviral medications that can help to prevent HIV infection if you think you may have been exposed to HIV. PEP must be started as soon as possible to be effective, but no more than 3 days (72 hours) after a possible exposure. PEP must be taken every day for 28 days, and it is available by prescription only.